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I lead clients into remembering who they really are. I, myself lived the life of a chameleon for many years, trying to change myself to gain approval and acceptance. I thought I was confident and strong. Now I see that I had a lot of fear and my life was a constant emotional roller coaster. I second-guessed myself all the time. I had arguments in my own head, debating about what I should have said, how I should do it next time. I did not trust my own judgement and asked for advice often, about everything, and had difficulty making decisions. I was hard on myself and pushed to be “the best”, striving hard for everything I earned and accomplished.
My marriage was a source of great pain. There was a lot of sex, but a lack of intimacy. There was a lot of talking, but a lack of communication and understanding. There was a lot of passion, but there was no peace. I struggled to earn his approval. Nothing I did was good enough. I had become subservient to what he wanted me to look like, how to dress, what I was supposed to say, how I was supposed to clean, to cook, to do my career, how to parent my children. I was criticized for a million little things, the message was clear- there was something wrong with me.
I knew deep down that there was nothing wrong with me, yet I continued to try to make him happy and to try to earn the love of a man that wanted things his way or no way at all. There was a cycle of happiness followed with deep crushing pain and days where my makeup would not cover my puffy eyes. In the last few years of my 20 year lesson, the cycle became more frequent. The lectures became more humiliating. Along the way I had compromised my values, I had done things that were not “me”, I had bankrupted myself emotionally, giving more of myself than I could afford to give. I was left not knowing anymore what I wanted, or who I was.
The night when I fled from the house for the last time with only my pajamas and my purse, I looked down at my naked foot on the brake pedal and asked myself, “When did this become my life?”
Then I got help. I finally began speaking MY TRUTH. I decided that if I get what I deserve and I deserve what I tolerate, then I was no longer going to tolerate being treated this way. I raised the standard for myself and invested in myself in a way that I had never been brave enough to do before. I let go of everything that was no longer serving me and embraced happiness and peace and love and respect and honesty and freedom and health and vitality!
My life is satisfying beyond what I thought possible before. I am celebrated by the people around me. I am cherished and loved deeply and intimately with deep respect. My life is free of drama. I am full of confidence and there is no longer room for second-guessing myself.
There isn’t a topic that is off limits if you choose to work with me. All of your thoughts, ideas, experiences, past and present choices are safe to be expressed. You are not wrong, broken, incomplete or imperfect in any way. You are perfect, just as you are.
Wendy J Holloway
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Transcend Podcast
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